Mandatron

"I keep my vocabulary in my massive cleavage."

- Manda

Manda's Lovely Story
Once there were a group of annoying hobbits, one scruffy-but-sexy human, one effeminate elf, one not-so-effeminate but less cool human, and one grouchy dwarf (like there's any other kind). They dared to brave the Mall of Mordor in the after-Christmas sales rush, trying to return a ring one of the hobbit's uncles had bought for him, because it was far too large and caused big red eyes to follow you everywhere.

But lo! The balrog manning the Customer Service desk denied their return claim, for they did not have a receipt! Instead, chortling with wicked glee, it suggested they call a help line for the jewelry store. Of course, all the employees of the help line had Hanukkah, Kwanza, Agnostica, Festivus, Christmas, New Years, and Chinese New Year all off, so they wouldn't be back to take their call for several months. But the Shoppingship of the Ring would not tolerate this affront, and drawing out their cell phones they dialed their lawyers, then attacked the balrog with small claims court filings!

Soon the balrog lay vanquished under several feet of nonsensical paperwork, all to be filled out in triplicate, in English and Spanish because this is Texas after all. And so Frodo the annoying hobbit was able to exchange the ring and purchase a shiny new PS3 with the proceeds. The end.